They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
