i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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