he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
