I accidentally burped into my bong.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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