Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
