I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
