We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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