Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
