Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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