I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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