life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didn't shave. On purpose
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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