She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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