I accidentally had phone sex last night
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
