the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
