Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
