I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
