you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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