smell my finger.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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