if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
