she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
