I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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