Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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