Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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