Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
