Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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