I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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