She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
