It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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