My balls are so social today.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
