Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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