I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
