She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
