How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize