hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
