There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
