Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
