her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
