My Higher Power is John Stamos
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
