I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
