you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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