WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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