Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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