Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
