I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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