remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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