my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
