think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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