I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize