Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
