Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
