we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
