She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The beer is more important than you right now.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
