oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
