you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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