happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
