she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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