Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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