just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
