The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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