i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just crazy horny about you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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