Sponge bath it is.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
