you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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