I am midnight drunk by noon
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
